Unexpected Growth



The greatest AHA moments that has been in my life, were the ones where I have overcome an obstacle without even knowing it!!!!! This time has been no different..........

A few months ago, I was informed of some information from someone that a couple of acquaintances of mine from a previous job had lied on me. Yeah I know what you must be thinking, "Get in line, it happens all the time." What made this different for me is that it was a lie that could potentially defame my character, and to top it off, it was during one of the most difficult times in my life. I mean who would intentionally set out to hurt someone when they were already low?! I already didn't have a warm rapport with the individuals' who the liar was talking to, so anything that was said negatively about me would surely be believable to them (even if some of it sounded farfetched).

As I pondered over the lies that had been spread I had decided that I wanted the individuals lives! Harsh, right?! By this I meant I wanted their way of providing for themselves, how they pampered themselves, etc....I WANTED THEIR JOBS!!! I figured since you brought up the "workplace" in your lie and since you went back to the job to tell others this lie, it would only be fitting that I take away what seemed to be a toxic environment for you!  Well, I started the process that very night, by calling my friend who was by-the-way over Human Resources and asked her what I could do to get the two women fired!  She laid it out step-by-step, citing that since we "sort of" worked together, I could use the excuse that because of their actions they made coming to work a "hostile work environment." 

The next morning I made an appointment to speak with the Program Manager.   I explained to him what happened and what was told to me by one of my family members.  He then said that he would do a quiet investigation to see if they had said these things to anyone at work who would be willing to admit to it.  HE DID! Later that same day he confirmed that I absolutely could cite "hostile work environment" as a reason to have them terminated.  He then told me to think it over for a few days and if I felt the same way, then he would start the process.  Well just so I didn't look like this was totally about REVENGE, I agreed to sleep on it for a few days.

As I was going home that day, I had practiced the long, insulting, word piercing things that I would say to them when I told them that it was me who had them fired!  Whoever said that Revenge is Sweet definitely knew what they were talking about, lol! Anyway, I informed my mother of my intentions and I could tell on her face that she didn't agree totally with what I was about to do.  She called me later that night to tell me that I really should just let it go, and let God handle it!.......LET IT GO?! WHAT?! Was she serious?! Okay, for everyone that knows me, they know that I am totally a Mommy/Daddy girl but she so missed it with this one.  I didn't feel like waiting on God to fix this one.  I felt like He would take entirely too long to "FIX IT" for me and besides His way was NOT my way, lol.

I had received no sleep that night for fuming!  I actually rationalized that it was okay to take away their way of providing for themselves.  I mean after all, if they didn't think about this or their children when spreading these lies, why should I right?  The next morning still reeling from the night before, I drove to work ready to give my speech when something inside reminded me of all the times I had messed up and was forgiven.  All the times I had gossiped and was covered.  I immediately got even angrier that at this time (of all times) I was growing a conscience.  Very long story short, I told the PM to forget about the process and we will all move on with our lives (it would be easy for them to do this since they were unaware of my actions because I wanted it to be a total blow to them). Except, all of us didn't move on with our lives.  I thought about it night and day.  It didn't matter what I was doing and what was going on around me, I found a way to steer my thoughts to my betrayal! 

This weekend I went shopping with my girls and one of the women came up to me to speak.  MIRACULOUSLY I didn't flinch, my stomach didn't turn, nor did I scream obscene things to her.  I just simply spoke to her with the most genuine smile on my face and nodded as she went on and on.  As she was speaking though I noticed that everything I had planned to do if I ever came in contact with them, didn't happen.  As much as I tried to muster up the anger, it just would not resonate!  Had I gotten over this? Was it even possible? Apparently so!  I reprimanded myself for TRYING to get angry.  Reminded myself who and who's I was and just simply wished her well for the holidays and left with my babies!

Sometimes things die within us without us really knowing it! Once we realize it, let's just rejoice instead of dredging up unnecessary emotions that do nothing but weigh us down!  Accept that you are growing in so many ways.  Embrace the change, welcome the new you, and expect that better is coming!  Love you all, mean it! Ciao for now!

 

Gone???!!!!!!!! My Fight!

I lost you!  I don't know when or where, but I just know one day I turned around and you were gone.  Was it something I said? Something I did?  I never thought you would leave but like magic, *POOF* you were gone.  Oh how I miss you so!  You were always there for me when I needed you.  Just when I felt like giving up, I was reminded of why I pressed on in the first place.  My friends all said that you were the best part of me.  With you I had a glow about myself. A drive even, to be better.........to do better! But then you left.  I don't know when or where, but I just know I turned around and you were gone.

You left at the most critical time in my life!  I needed you oh so badly but you weren't there.  I was so angry with you!  How could you desert me like this with no warning at all.  How selfish could you be, that my interest was of no concern in your decision to leave.  How am I to go on without you?! How do I survive without you?! The more time has come and gone, I have watched myself become a bitter, resentful, confused, shell of my former self all because you left!!!!!!!!! It is all your fault!!!

If I must be honest, you didn't willingly leave me!  I gave up on you! I turned my back on you.  I disregarded your place in my life and made you feel like nothing more than an accessory.  Though you turned the knob, I pushed you to the door.  You were just "arm candy" I carried around, because everyone complimented me on how good I looked with you!  Vain I know, but I loved that people noticed me with you.  You truly mattered  but I gave up on us.  I turned "we" into "me."  Never giving you credit in my success!  I think I know when you could have possibly left!!!! I think the last incident was the "straw that broke the camels back" for us huh?!  Blow after blow, I would take because I knew you had my back! You would never leave me right?!  You were gone! 

This month is "Breast Cancer Awareness Month."  Everyone keeps saying your name during this time.  Giving you the recognition, and praise you deserve.  Everyone but me, that is!  You left me, so I refuse to say your name or make you relevent even in this time!!! YOU LEFT ME REMEMBER!!!! People notice that we are no longer together, you know?  I wonder what I must look like to them now that you're gone. Putting pride aside for a moment......How do I get you back? Would you be willing to come back even?!  Not for people's sake, but for my own. I must admit, life has been miserable without you.  I long for you, I ache for you.

FIGHT!!!!!!!!!PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!  I have been hit so many times lately and I have done was take the blows, one by one.  Allowing them to knock me to the ground, because I didn't have any FIGHT left in me.....you were gone!  I'm so tired of crawling up in a ball trying to protect my head (mind), and chest (heart) from the blows thats being thrown my way.  I fear that if you don't come back, I will die.  I don't know how many more blows I can survive.

“Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.” Luke 10:19
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13
“The Lord is my strength and my shield …” Psalm 28:7

Welcome home old friend!  I've missed you.  Oh but I realized you weren't gone at all!  Just buried under so much, devastation, hurt, and brokenness that I just couldn't see you! Now that I have been reminded of our worth TOGETHER, I promise never to let you go again.  After-all, you are the best part of me!  No matter what circumstance or situation comes my way from here on out, I promise to FIGHT with everything I have in me!!!! No longer will I let the stares of others, side conversations or tragedy throw blows at me and I just stand there!!!! I'm training everyday (reading the word) so when the adversary does come, I am prepared!  Yes I will Fight!!! Not like a little girl, but like a WOMAN!!!! You are here to stay!

NO RERUNS!!!!!!

 

 

There was a professor who told a joke and once he got to the punch line, the entire room burst into laughter.  Two minutes later the same man tells the joke again and there were a few chuckles.  One minute later the man tells the SAME joke and no one laughs but instead says, "you told this twice already, we can't keep laughing at the same joke."  In turn, the professor says "True, so why do you keep crying over the SAME problem?!"

  

That struck a chord inside of me!!!!!! WHY DO WE DWELL, MOAN, AND CRY OVER THE SAME PROBLEM?!   I can only speak for myself, but on more than one occasion I have gone through things in my life where I re-played it over again only to dig myself further into a "pity party."

 

As long as I can remember, I have never liked listening to the same story told more than once, I don't like reruns on television, nor do I like left over meals from the night before.  As a Gemini, I get bored easily with the same routine and need to spice it up every now and then. I guess this is why it struck such a chord!  I thought to myself "Why oh why do you replay tragedies in your life and cry over them as if they just happened, when you are the one who can't stand RE-RUNS of any kind!!!"

 

We are the first ones to tell someone to get over something, move on, and do something that would make them happy, but when it is actually time to take our own advice, we clam up and wait for the next shoe to drop (so to speak).   I Peter 5:7 tells us to "cast your cares upon Him, for he cares for you." We can't keep re-playing tragedies in our lives hoping that we can come up with a new ending to something that has ALREADY HAPPENED!!! This is ridiculous! We should actually give it to God who welcomes all our problems, but instead we wear it like a coat. Complaining to anyone who will listen. Crying and all the while asking God to help us move on, but the whole time we refuse to let the situation go! Why?!  Because a little part of us revels in the heartache because it has been with us for so long. 

 



 

Love yourself enough to let go of heartache, stress, migraines, and tear soaked pillows.  Love yourself enough to embrace the wrongs that have been done to you, own them, and let them go so you can hold on to something so much more desirable. Hold on to the many laughs that have occurred.  Hold on to your loved ones who have been there (regardless of the situation). Hold on to the TRUE friends God has placed in your life. REPLAY the good in life.  Whatever it is that makes you smile, HOLD ON TO IT!!!!  For your sake, turn the channel to the Re-Runs of your life and look at something new, something bold, something GREAT!  Until next time loves, Ciao for now!

 







Behind My Smile!

Seems like every time I turn around I find myself being so transparent that it almost scares me. I start second guessing what I put down. Saying to myself, "people are going to think you are totally mixed up, no one goes through this much stuff, you need to get yourself together!" Well I have come to find out that this is my way of doing that. My therapeutic release so-to-speak!

For months, I have been in a quiet rage. My family has been through so much this year that if I didn't know any better I would say that we were Job reincarnated (BTW you should really read the book of Job it is an interesting read).  I would get up each morning say my prayers, get ready for work, awake my children, pack my lunch, speak affirmations with my girls and then we leave out to our destinations!  After leaving work I would go to the gym (burn myself out), go pick up my girls, cook, help with homework/chores, pick out clothes for the next day and then we would look at TV or chat.  This was my daily routine, give or take shopping with the girls or dinner with friends. 

Never would I discuss my feelings or allow myself to cry at all anymore (I attributed this emotion to the weak-minded; oh how wrong I was). I would keep myself busy but not in the sense that it was productive.  I would grab Kinsley and Kayla and shop or go to dinner, or even go to the gym so I could HIT something!  Never did I do things around the house (dust was everywhere, smh), but lay in my bed like a hermit. In my mind though I was totally okay!!! I was just in bed because I was "tired." 

The thing about denial is that you truly do lie enough to yourself til it feels like the truth, but your body knows that it isn't.  Yesterday I woke up with the worst headache.  It was blinding almost.  I felt like I had been hit with a 2x4 in the back of the head.  Later that day I was talking with my sister and a shooting pain goes through my left arm.  I immediately got concerned but because I'm a "soldier" I toughed through it.  My father called me later that day and told me his spiritual diagnosis (which was totally right).  He said, "baby you need to deal with reality! Grieve your losses, deal with the aftermath, and acknowledge your emotions. If not then stress is going to kill you!"

He couldn't have been so right!  I have been shielding myself from hurt and tunnel-visioning myself through this past year.  I guess I said all of that, to say this:  Things are going to happen in your life and you burying your head in the sand, will not allow it to go away.  Face your situations head on, and fight for your life like a "soldier."  Heal your hurts, and blossom your relationships with the people that care for you.  Ignore the people that don't (especially if they don't affect your everyday life or if their lives are far from perfect). Keep your relationship growing with God.  He knows all about you, so learn more about Him! Love you all.....mean it!  Ciao for now!

Either you TRUST Him or you DON’T!!!! CHOOSE!

I have been writing various blogs for the past few weeks.  Just when I think I’m about to publish one, I stop.  It doesn't feel right…..until now.  Its lengthy but I promise there is a purpose behind this madness……..Enjoy!

This past weekend I had received some news that had me in a tumultuous whirlwind.  Immediately, I had gotten so emotional that I loss all sense of thought for a minute.  I went immediately to my room and threw myself on my bed (dramatically I might add, lol).

I called my mom, who was with my sisters and they immediately rushed over.  Side-note#1:  Surround yourselves with trustworthy people that care enough that no matter the problem they are there. While waiting on them to come over I had went from devastated to enraged, so I called a great friend of mine who unfortunately and fortunately spoke to me with sense. Refer back to side-note#1.  I had made plans to do this, and say that, and all the while I am spewing my disgust and disdain for this situation, she is talking calmly and pleading the blood and being the person that I needed and not the one I wanted (did you catch that). Side-note#2: Every person in your life should not agree with you, nor should they be afraid to put you in your place when you are so very wrong. “Thank you and I love you”

By the time my family arrived I was outside pacing back and forth and had left Rageville back to Devastation Ave.  I remember saying at one point “Wow Really! Like I haven’t been through enough this year. I’m so tired of freaking test. I give up!”  Long story short, after my family finished consoling me, I rode around for a great bit of time, and called another confidant (Side-note#1).  At this point, I am slowly but surely calming down enough to become a sleuth.  Let’s just say I started taking matters into my own hands.  Didn’t sleep well that night, and that morning had decided to stay in bed instead of going to church.  Finally I get up to go (I didn’t want my parents fussing). Though I’m at church, I’m really not, if that makes any sense. I was not in the presence, and if it wasn't for singing these songs a million times before, I would not have remembered the lyrics for my mind was a million miles away.  My actions were perfunctory at best!  I tried to change my outlook on the situation (okay maybe I didn't).  I was so angry that I actually prayed for someone to get “out-of-pocket” with me, just so I could let all of my frustrations out at one time (awful I know)! BTW no one did!

We’re now out of church and I called last but not least my final confidant (Side-note#1 and #2).  There to listen and never judging.  I’m actually glad that I called because though I was still thinking about it, she took my focus off of it at the same time.  Also gave me a chance to mend a long-lasting sisterhood that was previous torn a little. “I love you so very much, believe that!” After talking with her I decided to go to bed and try not to worry about it again (that is until the next day, Monday).

Monday’s here and I am back into sleuth mode now that I can finally get answers to all the questions I had created over the weekend. Why was I in this storm?! Why was I being tested yet again?! Why am I the one that has to put on a good face (which I was failing miserably at)?!

Well False Alarm People! Finally, I had got in touch with someone that cleared up the Colossal Mistake.  I hung up feeling refreshed, renewed, and just downright HAPPY.  Called everyone I had shared my “struggle” with and let them know the situation.  Went on throughout my day skipping, and whistling.  During my lunch break, I reflected on the last two days of my life; how I had acted, what I had said, and most of all my countenance throughout it all.

Something immediately came to me….If this had been a true test, a real storm I would have failed miserably.  I thought that I had evolved in this area of my life and since I hadn't let anything shake me in the last two months, then maybe, I was growing in this area.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I would like to say that I went to God in prayer, giving it all to him and letting him handle the situation.  That’s what I would like to say! I must be transparent and say that I really turned my back on Him, feeling like He did the same to me.  I thought “Dang KJ, you really revealed yourself to yourself this weekend.” Though I went to church, church was not in me. Though I didn't “amp” on anyone, I still was amping within myself.  Though I didn't run away screaming trying to hide from the situation, I didn't run to the ONE and ONLY who could have corrected it immediately!!!!

It’s easy to smile and praise when everything in life is calm, and there is no sign of trouble, but what do you do when you are in a storm and you feel like you are going down for the last time.  Well I found out what I would do, and it wasn't even a real storm.  I immediately got convicted for my poor performance that I talked to my friend that tried to talk sense in me from the beginning and she said something I will never forget….”Kenyetta you are going to have to make a decision sweet!  You’re either going to trust God or not.  Stop saying that you do, but your actions show something totally different.” We will quote a scripture in a heartbeat saying “I’m casting all my cares upon Him” but are we really?  How many times have we had spiritual amnesia?! Forgetting that God has taking care of us so many times in the past, why wouldn't he do it now!

Well I have now realized yet another weak area in my life that I have given to God for repair.  Within this though I have learned not only that I need to trust Him more, but…..I have an amazing support system!  The one’s I called were totally there for me and I truly appreciate it. Unfortunately, I never called on The One that was ALWAYS there. 

Moral of this story….NEVER lose sight of your faith in a storm. Remember there is nothing too hard for God!   If we say that He's a "Problem-Solver" (and I don't say that lightly), then let Him work!  Remember, YOU EITHER TRUST GOD OR YOU DON'T, CHOOSE!!! Love you all. Until next time, Ciao for now!

Through the Storms of Life

I have always heard this phrase spoken....."I don't look like what I've been through," and I've wondered "What in the world does it mean?"  Well I think that I have gotten a true insight of this phrase for the very first time in my own life.  Everyday we walk around about our daily lives, passing people here and there.  Some we acknowledge and some we pass without a glimpse, but almost never do we look at them and say, "I wonder what it is that makes them tick, or I wonder what emotional struggles this person has had to endure."  We see people and they have a beautiful smile and we AUTOMAGICALLY (my word..no need to check Webster's Dictionary ;-) ) think that this person has it all together.  When in actuality they are putting on "the peoples face" (as my friend so eloquently calls it). 

During the past three years or so, I have seen many struggles throughout my life that I thought "this is NOT supposed to happen to me."  I have wanted to give up so many times and have done so, only to come back to the realization that "as long as God has me, then I got this."  I dust myself off and go back into the ring to fight yet again.  I thought to myself, "hey I am really getting good at this."  Cocky Right?!  Sometimes you think you can master any storm that comes your way, because the waves aren't that big, the current isn't that strong.  But what happens when a Tsunami comes?!  You thought the waves were something, but OH BOY this flood is more than what you could have ever imagined. That's how I felt.

Each storm I had would be something so minor, but at the time, I thought was so huge. Whether it was financial, emotional, or even physical, I would wallow in pity and close myself off from reality.  Never at anytime did I realize that all of what I was going through was a DISTRACTION!!!! 

When storms come it is usually when things are going good and you are on the fast track to birthing something great!  The enemy sees how great things will turn out and decides its time to put a wrench into this development.  And it BEGINS!  Boom: The kids start rebelling, BOom:  Wreck happens where you have to put money out that you really didn't have, BOOm:  Sickness hits, BOOM: Ultimate Tragedy!!!! All the while you still have to go about your daily life moving and shaking to make things happen.  Because after all "Life still must go on," right?!  You would think that it would come one problem at a time but that's not how Tsunami's work.  I felt like I was drowning!  Being consumed by all of these distractions, and to top it all off, you have to include the judgement, disdain, and looks of people.  So now distractions are coming in all directions. But remember, you have to go through contractions (relentless pain) to birth something GREAT!

This is why I say, "Surround yourself with positive people, strong people, LOVING people!"  They reminded me that ONE:  This IS just a distraction,  TWO:  People are going to talk, but if they don't affect your everyday life, then they nor their comments most certainly don't matter, and THREE:  You are loved by God and us and we have your back!  Get into a place in your life that when storms come, they don't shake you, or take you off coarse.  Stop giving the enemy something that they're not supposed to have and that is POWER over you!  Stop allowing him to take you out of character, break your focus, and your Spirit!  Live Love Laugh.  Not saying that it will be easy, nor am I saying you will bounce back immediately.  What I am saying is you are resilient, you are a fighter, you are destined for greatness! Pray, Believe, Receive......IT WILL HAPPEN!

Until Next Time!  Ciao for now!