ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!
Have you ever been in a mood where you just didn't have time for anyone?! You were so consumed in your own life and your problems that you just didn't want to hear anyone woes or didn't want to rejoice in someone else good news? I know it may sound selfish and a little like hating, but that has been my life for the last month. I would get phone calls from one person or another and they would either be crying or speak with a defeated sounding tone, that either way, sent me into an "I don't have time for your mess," attitude. There would be no life given from me! By the time the individual would hang up with me, I'm sure they had wished that they had never called me! I felt emotionally drained and I did not want to give anyone my energy just to be left completely empty. I would tell my mother about the people calling me and telling her how I was so tired of them and I was ready to cut them off totally because I could not stand "clueless" people. I would rant about how these people don't even seem to care if I'm going through something as long as I am there to listen to them. My mother would then look at me with her "I'm so disappointed in you" look and say how I was the meanest/nicest child she has (I'm still not sure what that means lol). She then would say that sometimes you have to be the shoulder that people lean on, and that God wouldn't have allowed them to come your way if you were not equipped to help.
My mother has always been that person that everyone went to with there problems and express their deepest secrets. I would watch my mother at times so tired and could hardly get around, sit in her chair just to rest her eyes for a bit. It seemed like every time she would just begin to relax, the phone would ring or a knock would come at the door with someone so broken at the other side. My mother would get up to embrace, to listen, and to advise. I could see her eating dinner with the family only to be torn from the conversation to advise someone yet again. As much as I wanted to be like my mother, I never wanted that aspect of her. I am not a selfish person, yet I'm not the most consoling one either when I am going through my own thing. I never felt like I could deal with your issues and mine as well.
As long as I could remember, I have been a "thinker." No matter the situation I have always wanted to dissect it to understand why and how each situation began and then unfolded. Traveling down this road that I have been placed on, I would question why I was going through the things that I was going through; For what purpose did this serve?! Because I am a Logical Thinker, never having an answer would send me into a frenzy every time. I would dissect the situation each and every kind of way and I still could not come up with anything, so in true "Kenyetta Form" I just gave up!
Last week, I got off of work and ran a few errands that caused me to get home pretty late. I was tired and a little cranky so I just wanted to get in the house, feed my children, and go to bed. To think of it gave me such joy, which quickly faded when a stranger pulled into my yard. She was soliciting, so I had no time for her at all, but something told me to wait and engage her a little. So we began to talk a little and almost immediately I understood why I was not to turn her away. She had just lost her son two months earlier and was trying so hard NOT to be angry with God; trying so hard to find the answer to her many questions of WHY?! I was taken aback by the rush of words coming out of her mouth. It was almost like this was the first time she was able to speak and had so much to say. I listened intently to everything she spoke of, at the same time asking God to give me the words to say. He simply said, tell her YOUR STORY. We began to speak on my experiences of the past 18 months and how I could relate to her anger. Before I knew it we had been talking for 2.5 hours.
Finally she left, but not before us exchanging numbers. I remember thinking (as I was preparing to take my HUNGRY children to subway), "wow, now that was different, yet fulfilling." I felt light and upbeat for the first time in a long time. It felt really good to be something to someone, even in the midst of my own thought process.
A few nights later I sat reading the book of Job and saw it with fresh eyes. There was a passage that speaks of Job immediately being restored all that he had lost, once he started praying for his friends that were going through. Even though Job had so much going on in his life, when his friends who anguish was not even in comparison to Job's, needed him he did not hesitate to be an intercessor for them. I thought then, "Kenyetta, you have began the road of recovery now that you were willing to listen and speak with someone else in their pain and not make life all about you." I know that this is a long blog, but I write all of this simply to say: Sometimes you will go through things that is not because of you, but for someone else. You will be able to be a sounding board and a light for someone who life seems so dark. Lets not turn our backs on others in their time of need just because we are too busy licking our wounds. It may just be the distraction you need as well as the beginning of your healing process in your own storm. Love you much! Until next time, Ciao for now!
