Show Me, Me!

!!!TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOURSELF!!!

My mother and I stood outside talking which seemed like forever and I was telling her of a situation that occurred recently.  After telling her the story I ended by saying that I was tired of "adults" not communicating their feelings until its too late as if they were children and how I was over it.   As I spoke, I immediately regretted telling her due to the look upon her face.  I knew that a lecture was about to take place.......AND IT DID!  My mother has always been the type that would see both sides of the coin but it seemed at that moment she only viewed one, lol! She began to say that I was a hard person to get along with.  That I end relationships too soon because I don't accept people for who they are because I'm too busy wanting them to be me!  She followed it up with saying that my  "adult acquaintances" maybe didn't communicate their issue with me because that tongue of mine is a  little too much to listen to! WHOA!!!!  Now that was a blow to the gut; Especially since I had similar feedback just earlier this week.  

I have been reading a book called "The People Factor"by Van Moody. Its a  book that helps you with the necessary tools to help build successful relationships.  In the book it states that before you build great relationships you have to dissect yourself and see where the problem areas are so you can change them before bringing them into a new relationship.  He suggested that you get people very close to you to answer a few questions, such as:  1) What do you think are my greatest qualities 2) What are my greatest weaknesses 3) What would I need to do to relate better to others.  Well I sent out the questions earlier this week to a few people that I knew would not hold any punches and the consensus was......I WAS PRETTY AWESOME!  

SERIOUSLY THOUGH.....I was a hot mess on paper!  They all agreed that I was loyal, and generous; but they also agreed that I was hard to talk to when I was "on one"  and that I immediately dropped people or situations when it didn't live up to my expectations (in so many words).  

There is a saying that goes:  If one person calls you a duck, don't pay much attention to it; if two people say that you are a duck, begin to question it; but if three call you a duck, then you might be quacking!  In this case, FIVE were calling me a duck, so they must have seen a beak and a feather or two!  Though it didn't feel good to hear, it definitely allowed me to see me through other's eyes.  Though I didn't like it, I definitely respected it and the loved ones who spoke it.  I have asked God with helping me love people where they are at and a mindset not to cut people off so quickly.  I had done that three times just this week under the guidelines of God removing people that aren't good for me out of my life smh.  NOTE TO SELF:  STOP GIVING CREDIT TO GOD FOR THE DISMANTLING OF SOME RELATIONSHIPS WHEN YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART THAT YOU'RE ALLOWING THE ENEMY TO USE YOU! 

Every now and then its good to take a good look at yourself  and see where you need to improve so that you can become a better you  for the next level of your life.  Ask others to help you in this process, because we all have a blind spot or two when it comes to looking at ourselves.  Be honest with yourselves and open to the process when others are involved. We all have room for improvement and should take every advantage of  the opportunity when given!  Take a chance!  You have nothing to lose.....except some quirks and some excess baggage here and there!  Until next time! Ciao for now!

It's Not About You!

ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!

 



Have you ever been in a mood where you just didn't have time for anyone?! You were so consumed in your own life and your problems that you just didn't want to hear anyone woes or didn't want to rejoice in someone else good news?  I know it may sound selfish and a little like hating, but that has been my life for the last month. I would get phone calls from one person or another and they would either be crying or speak with a defeated sounding tone, that either way, sent me into an "I don't have time for your mess," attitude. There would be no life given from me!  By the time the individual would hang up with me, I'm sure they had wished that they had never called me!  I felt emotionally drained and I did not want to give anyone my energy just to be left completely empty.  I would tell my mother about the people calling me and telling her how I was so tired of them and I was ready to cut them off totally because I could not stand "clueless" people.  I would rant about how these people don't even seem to care if I'm going through something as long as I am there to listen to them.  My mother would then look at me with her "I'm so disappointed in you" look and say how I was the meanest/nicest child she has (I'm still not sure what that means lol). She then would say that sometimes you have to be the shoulder that people lean on, and that God wouldn't have allowed them to come your way if you were not equipped to help.

My mother has always been that person that everyone went to with there problems and express their deepest secrets.  I would watch my mother at times so tired and could hardly get around, sit in her chair just to rest her eyes for a bit.  It seemed like every time she would just begin to relax, the phone would ring or a knock would come at the door with someone so broken at the other side.  My mother would get up to embrace, to listen, and to advise.  I could see her eating dinner with the family only to be torn from the conversation to advise someone yet again.  As much as I wanted to be like my mother, I never wanted that aspect of her.  I am not a selfish person, yet I'm not the most consoling one either when I am going through my own thing. I never felt like I could deal with your issues and mine as well. 

As long as I could remember, I have been a "thinker." No matter the situation I have always wanted to dissect it to understand why and how each situation began and then unfolded.  Traveling down this road that I have been placed on, I would question why I was going through the things that I was going through;  For what purpose did this serve?! Because I am a Logical Thinker, never having an answer would send me into a frenzy every time.  I would dissect the situation each and every kind of way and I still could not come up with anything, so in true "Kenyetta Form" I just gave up!

Last week, I got off of work and ran a few errands that caused me to get home pretty late.  I was tired and a little cranky so I just wanted to get in the house, feed my children, and go to bed.  To think of it gave me such joy, which quickly faded when a stranger pulled into my yard.  She was soliciting, so I had no time for her at all, but something told me to wait and engage her a little.  So we began to talk a little and almost immediately I understood why I was not to turn her away.  She had just lost her son two months earlier and was trying so hard NOT to be angry with God; trying so hard to find the answer to her many questions of WHY?!  I was taken aback by the rush of words coming out of her mouth.  It was almost like this was the first time she was able to speak and had so much to say.  I listened intently to everything she spoke of, at the same time asking God to give me the words to say.  He simply said, tell her YOUR STORY.  We began to speak on my experiences of the past 18 months and how I could relate to her anger.  Before I knew it we had been talking for 2.5 hours. 
Finally she left, but not before us exchanging numbers.  I remember thinking (as I was preparing to take my HUNGRY children to subway), "wow, now that was different, yet fulfilling."  I felt light and upbeat for the first time in a long time.  It felt really good to be something to someone, even in the midst of my own thought process. 

A few nights later I sat reading the book of Job and saw it with fresh eyes.  There was a passage that speaks of Job immediately being restored all that he had lost, once he started praying for his friends that were going through.  Even though Job had so much going on in his life, when his friends who anguish was not even in comparison to Job's, needed him he did not hesitate to be an intercessor for them.  I thought then, "Kenyetta, you have began the road of recovery now that you were willing to listen and speak with someone else in their pain and not make life all about you."  I know that this is a long blog, but I write all of this simply to say:  Sometimes you will go through things that is not because of you, but for someone else.  You will be able to be a sounding board and a light for someone who life seems so dark.  Lets not turn our backs on others in their time of need just because we are too busy licking our wounds.  It may just be the distraction you need as well as the beginning of your healing process in your own storm.  Love you much! Until next time, Ciao for now!



 !!!!!FEAR!!!!!

FEAR – An unpleasant emotional state consisting of psychological and psycho-physiological responses to a real external threat or danger, including agitation, alertness, tension, and mobilization of the alarm reaction.

This emotion in itself causes fear in people.  Rather you are afraid of being afraid (ironic huh?). I have hesitated so many times regarding writing about this because I was afraid to give a voice to certain fears……that is until last week.  Each morning I start my work day at 7:30 and begin my various missions.  Last Wednesday was no different.  At 8:00 my oldest daughter calls me and tells me that my youngest daughter is on the floor trying to breathe.  Well immediately panic sets in and I am throwing so many questions at her that she hands the phone over to an adult who informs me that Kayla was having an asthma attack!  What?!! She doesn’t even have asthma.  At the same time my mom is pulling up at the school at the same time the ambulance is.  They hand the phone to my mother and as I’m talking to her I am getting my purse ready and keys so I can leave.  The panic in my voice was enough for my mother to stop and talk me down before jumping into my car in such a state.  Long story short, the EMT’s gave her a breathing treatment and all is well!  (Side note:  so grateful to have family that has your back REGARDLESS).  Once I found out that my daughter was fine, the panic started settling.  I started thinking how I allowed my mind to go to the darkest places possible, and how frantic I got when Kinsley called to say Kayla was on the floor.  The image had me on “10.”  This moment made me look at another fear that I have been struggling with for months now!  On Saturday I was talking with an amazing group of women when all of a sudden someone joked and said “Let the Lord use you.”  Well we laughed (you had to be there) and continue to carry on when it took a serious turn to why we don’t allow Him to use us.  During this whole exchange I stayed quiet because I was battling my own “disobedient” moment.

Almost a year ago I was sitting in my room crying out to God and saying those words that everyone wish they could take back after they leave their lips……”GOD LET YOUR WILL BE DONE IN MY LIFE!”  I know this sounds so weird right, but sometimes when this is done God will put you in an unfamiliar and scary position just to see how obedient you will be to his voice.  Well I was on this high!  You know the one where you feel like you can conquer all and nothing or no one can even attempt to stop you!  I carried on with my life: waking up, saying my prayers, getting my children up, reciting affirmations with them, and off to work!  One day I was sitting with my girls just watching them play when the Spirit spoke to me and instructed me to do something that would stretch me further than I was willing to go.  Immediately a sense of dread came over me!  I mean what was being asked of me would put me out there and I am one of those people that value their privacy, especially when I have yet to come to terms with certain things in my life that is being asked of me to live out in front of others!!! I put this situation in the back of my head and moved on.  I didn’t totally ignore my instructions but tried to think of a way that I could do what was asked of me but in another way than what was told.  Days passed by, then weeks, and finally months.  During this time I had not heard anything from God or maybe I was but because I had shut off my spiritual ear I couldn’t.  So He sent amazing people in my life to drop a nugget here and there that would impact me in such a way that it struck a chord within me.

Realizing that fear was the reason behind my stagnated mind.  I decided, with my rebellious self to get up and do it afraid!  Whatever it is that has you bound up, know that whatever it is, is just a minor situation we have made big.  Don’t allow fear to consume you.  Don’t allow it to break your spirits and steal something it was never supposed to have…..YOUR POWER!  You are victorious. You are an over-comer.  You are an heir.  Walk into your destiny of purpose with confidence knowing that our Father has you!  Until next time, Ciao for now!

Unexpected Growth



The greatest AHA moments that has been in my life, were the ones where I have overcome an obstacle without even knowing it!!!!! This time has been no different..........

A few months ago, I was informed of some information from someone that a couple of acquaintances of mine from a previous job had lied on me. Yeah I know what you must be thinking, "Get in line, it happens all the time." What made this different for me is that it was a lie that could potentially defame my character, and to top it off, it was during one of the most difficult times in my life. I mean who would intentionally set out to hurt someone when they were already low?! I already didn't have a warm rapport with the individuals' who the liar was talking to, so anything that was said negatively about me would surely be believable to them (even if some of it sounded farfetched).

As I pondered over the lies that had been spread I had decided that I wanted the individuals lives! Harsh, right?! By this I meant I wanted their way of providing for themselves, how they pampered themselves, etc....I WANTED THEIR JOBS!!! I figured since you brought up the "workplace" in your lie and since you went back to the job to tell others this lie, it would only be fitting that I take away what seemed to be a toxic environment for you!  Well, I started the process that very night, by calling my friend who was by-the-way over Human Resources and asked her what I could do to get the two women fired!  She laid it out step-by-step, citing that since we "sort of" worked together, I could use the excuse that because of their actions they made coming to work a "hostile work environment." 

The next morning I made an appointment to speak with the Program Manager.   I explained to him what happened and what was told to me by one of my family members.  He then said that he would do a quiet investigation to see if they had said these things to anyone at work who would be willing to admit to it.  HE DID! Later that same day he confirmed that I absolutely could cite "hostile work environment" as a reason to have them terminated.  He then told me to think it over for a few days and if I felt the same way, then he would start the process.  Well just so I didn't look like this was totally about REVENGE, I agreed to sleep on it for a few days.

As I was going home that day, I had practiced the long, insulting, word piercing things that I would say to them when I told them that it was me who had them fired!  Whoever said that Revenge is Sweet definitely knew what they were talking about, lol! Anyway, I informed my mother of my intentions and I could tell on her face that she didn't agree totally with what I was about to do.  She called me later that night to tell me that I really should just let it go, and let God handle it!.......LET IT GO?! WHAT?! Was she serious?! Okay, for everyone that knows me, they know that I am totally a Mommy/Daddy girl but she so missed it with this one.  I didn't feel like waiting on God to fix this one.  I felt like He would take entirely too long to "FIX IT" for me and besides His way was NOT my way, lol.

I had received no sleep that night for fuming!  I actually rationalized that it was okay to take away their way of providing for themselves.  I mean after all, if they didn't think about this or their children when spreading these lies, why should I right?  The next morning still reeling from the night before, I drove to work ready to give my speech when something inside reminded me of all the times I had messed up and was forgiven.  All the times I had gossiped and was covered.  I immediately got even angrier that at this time (of all times) I was growing a conscience.  Very long story short, I told the PM to forget about the process and we will all move on with our lives (it would be easy for them to do this since they were unaware of my actions because I wanted it to be a total blow to them). Except, all of us didn't move on with our lives.  I thought about it night and day.  It didn't matter what I was doing and what was going on around me, I found a way to steer my thoughts to my betrayal! 

This weekend I went shopping with my girls and one of the women came up to me to speak.  MIRACULOUSLY I didn't flinch, my stomach didn't turn, nor did I scream obscene things to her.  I just simply spoke to her with the most genuine smile on my face and nodded as she went on and on.  As she was speaking though I noticed that everything I had planned to do if I ever came in contact with them, didn't happen.  As much as I tried to muster up the anger, it just would not resonate!  Had I gotten over this? Was it even possible? Apparently so!  I reprimanded myself for TRYING to get angry.  Reminded myself who and who's I was and just simply wished her well for the holidays and left with my babies!

Sometimes things die within us without us really knowing it! Once we realize it, let's just rejoice instead of dredging up unnecessary emotions that do nothing but weigh us down!  Accept that you are growing in so many ways.  Embrace the change, welcome the new you, and expect that better is coming!  Love you all, mean it! Ciao for now!

 

Gone???!!!!!!!!

I lost you!  I don't know when or where, but I just know one day I turned around and you were gone.  Was it something I said? Something I did?  I never thought you would leave but like magic, *POOF* you were gone.  Oh how I miss you so!  You were always there for me when I needed you.  Just when I felt like giving up, I was reminded of why I pressed on in the first place.  My friends all said that you were the best part of me.  With you I had a glow about myself. A drive even, to be better.........to do better! But then you left.  I don't know when or where, but I just know I turned around and you were gone.

You left at the most critical time in my life!  I needed you oh so badly but you weren't there.  I was so angry with you!  How could you desert me like this with no warning at all.  How selfish could you be, that my interest was of no concern in your decision to leave.  How am I to go on without you?! How do I survive without you?! The more time has come and gone, I have watched myself become a bitter, resentful, confused, shell of my former self all because you left!!!!!!!!! It is all your fault!!!

If I must be honest, you didn't willingly leave me!  I gave up on you! I turned my back on you.  I disregarded your place in my life and made you feel like nothing more than an accessory.  Though you turned the knob, I pushed you to the door.  You were just "arm candy" I carried around, because everyone complimented me on how good I looked with you!  Vain I know, but I loved that people noticed me with you.  You truly mattered  but I gave up on us.  I turned "we" into "me."  Never giving you credit in my success!  I think I know when you could have possibly left!!!! I think the last incident was the "straw that broke the camels back" for us huh?!  Blow after blow, I would take because I knew you had my back! You would never leave me right?!  You were gone! 

This month is "Breast Cancer Awareness Month."  Everyone keeps saying your name during this time.  Giving you the recognition, and praise you deserve.  Everyone but me, that is!  You left me, so I refuse to say your name or make you relevent even in this time!!! YOU LEFT ME REMEMBER!!!! People notice that we are no longer together, you know?  I wonder what I must look like to them now that you're gone. Putting pride aside for a moment......How do I get you back? Would you be willing to come back even?!  Not for people's sake, but for my own. I must admit, life has been miserable without you.  I long for you, I ache for you.

FIGHT!!!!!!!!!PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!  I have been hit so many times lately and I have done was take the blows, one by one.  Allowing them to knock me to the ground, because I didn't have any FIGHT left in me.....you were gone!  I'm so tired of crawling up in a ball trying to protect my head (mind), and chest (heart) from the blows thats being thrown my way.  I fear that if you don't come back, I will die.  I don't know how many more blows I can survive.

“Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.” Luke 10:19
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13
“The Lord is my strength and my shield …” Psalm 28:7

Welcome home old friend!  I've missed you.  Oh but I realized you weren't gone at all!  Just buried under so much, devastation, hurt, and brokenness that I just couldn't see you! Now that I have been reminded of our worth TOGETHER, I promise never to let you go again.  After-all, you are the best part of me!  No matter what circumstance or situation comes my way from here on out, I promise to FIGHT with everything I have in me!!!! No longer will I let the stares of others, side conversations or tragedy throw blows at me and I just stand there!!!! I'm training everyday (reading the word) so when the adversary does come, I am prepared!  Yes I will Fight!!! Not like a little girl, but like a WOMAN!!!! You are here to stay!

NO RERUNS!!!!!!

 

 

There was a professor who told a joke and once he got to the punch line, the entire room burst into laughter.  Two minutes later the same man tells the joke again and there were a few chuckles.  One minute later the man tells the SAME joke and no one laughs but instead says, "you told this twice already, we can't keep laughing at the same joke."  In turn, the professor says "True, so why do you keep crying over the SAME problem?!"

  

That struck a chord inside of me!!!!!! WHY DO WE DWELL, MOAN, AND CRY OVER THE SAME PROBLEM?!   I can only speak for myself, but on more than one occasion I have gone through things in my life where I re-played it over again only to dig myself further into a "pity party."

 

As long as I can remember, I have never liked listening to the same story told more than once, I don't like reruns on television, nor do I like left over meals from the night before.  As a Gemini, I get bored easily with the same routine and need to spice it up every now and then. I guess this is why it struck such a chord!  I thought to myself "Why oh why do you replay tragedies in your life and cry over them as if they just happened, when you are the one who can't stand RE-RUNS of any kind!!!"

 

We are the first ones to tell someone to get over something, move on, and do something that would make them happy, but when it is actually time to take our own advice, we clam up and wait for the next shoe to drop (so to speak).   I Peter 5:7 tells us to "cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." We can't keep re-playing tragedies in our lives hoping that we can come up with a new ending to something that has ALREADY HAPPENED!!! This is ridiculous! We should actually give it to God who welcomes all our problems, but instead we wear it like a coat. Complaining to anyone who will listen. Crying and all the while asking God to help us move on, but the whole time we refuse to let the situation go! Why?!  Because a little part of us revels in the heartache because it has been with us for so long. 

 



 

Love yourself enough to let go of heartache, stress, migraines, and tear soaked pillows.  Love yourself enough to embrace the wrongs that have been done to you, own them, and let them go so you can hold on to something so much more desirable. Hold on to the many laughs that have occurred.  Hold on to your loved ones who have been there (regardless of the situation). Hold on to the TRUE friends God has placed in your life. REPLAY the good in life.  Whatever it is that makes you smile, HOLD ON TO IT!!!!  For your sake, turn the channel to the Re-Runs of your life and look at something new, something bold, something GREAT!  Until next time loves, Ciao for now!

 







Behind My Smile!

Seems like every time I turn around I find myself being so transparent that it almost scares me. I start second guessing what I put down. Saying to myself, "people are going to think you are totally mixed up, no one goes through this much stuff, you need to get yourself together!" Well I have come to find out that this is my way of doing that. My therapeutic release so-to-speak!

For months, I have been in a quiet rage. My family has been through so much this year that if I didn't know any better I would say that we were Job reincarnated (BTW you should really read the book of Job it is an interesting read).  I would get up each morning say my prayers, get ready for work, awake my children, pack my lunch, speak affirmations with my girls and then we leave out to our destinations!  After leaving work I would go to the gym (burn myself out), go pick up my girls, cook, help with homework/chores, pick out clothes for the next day and then we would look at TV or chat.  This was my daily routine, give or take shopping with the girls or dinner with friends. 

Never would I discuss my feelings or allow myself to cry at all anymore (I attributed this emotion to the weak-minded; oh how wrong I was). I would keep myself busy but not in the sense that it was productive.  I would grab Kinsley and Kayla and shop or go to dinner, or even go to the gym so I could HIT something!  Never did I do things around the house (dust was everywhere, smh), but lay in my bed like a hermit. In my mind though I was totally okay!!! I was just in bed because I was "tired." 

The thing about denial is that you truly do lie enough to yourself til it feels like the truth, but your body knows that it isn't.  Yesterday I woke up with the worst headache.  It was blinding almost.  I felt like I had been hit with a 2x4 in the back of the head.  Later that day I was talking with my sister and a shooting pain goes through my left arm.  I immediately got concerned but because I'm a "soldier" I toughed through it.  My father called me later that day and told me his spiritual diagnosis (which was totally right).  He said, "baby you need to deal with reality! Grieve your losses, deal with the aftermath, and acknowledge your emotions. If not then stress is going to kill you!"

He couldn't have been so right!  I have been shielding myself from hurt and tunnel-visioning myself through this past year.  I guess I said all of that, to say this:  Things are going to happen in your life and you burying your head in the sand, will not allow it to go away.  Face your situations head on, and fight for your life like a "soldier."  Heal your hurts, and blossom your relationships with the people that care for you.  Ignore the people that don't (especially if they don't affect your everyday life or if their lives are far from perfect). Keep your relationship growing with God.  He knows all about you, so learn more about Him! Love you all.....mean it!  Ciao for now!